June 15, 1993
I had a dream. It was the kind of dream that haunts you with silence. I saw the ghost as it poked its heaed from behind the trees. Once from the left side and then from the right. Why was the ghost playing peek-a-boo?
“I wanted to see you.”
Matt scratched behind his ear and pushed a lone lock of hair into place. He was still half asleep. I knew he wanted to get angry with me, the look on his face told the truth, but Matt tried hard to be something elevated from the rest of us-the human race.
“Come inside.”
I climbed the steps into the small house on 370, the one with the tight rooms and dusty windows. It was the house where he would die. I knew it, somehow I knew it was coming for him. I watched Matt pick up an ashtray and sit on the recliner in the corner.
“Have a seat.”
“Matt, I need to talk to you about something.”
Matt licked his lips and took a half-smoked joint from the ashtray. He reached for the lighter on the table next to him. “Go ahead, princess.”
I smiled. “Well, it’s about the day by the waterfall, you know, when we…”
Matt smiled with me and lit his ganga cigarette. “Okay, I see we may have to get a little deep with this conversation. Is this about the physical nature or the spiritual one?”
“Listen, It’s not about either one and it’s not altogether good. It’s deeper than that. I tell you what it is, it’s about my tainted soul, Matt.”
The room grew silent. Matt took a hit from the joint and put it back in the ashtray. He stared at me. I could tell his cogs were working overtime in that dreaded head of his. I wanted to know what he was thinking and yet I was firm in my devotion and my failure. I felt so ashamed by my devotion to the prophet and how that devotion rivaled my love for the living God.
“Well, do you regret what happened under the waterfall?”
“No. I mean, yes…but not for the reasons you may be thinking. Unfortunately, I am not ashamed of hurting Caryanne. I know that’s terrible to admit, but I’m just not feeling bad for it-plain and simple. I am ashamed of hurting the heart of God.”
Matt looked genuinely confused. “So, you’re saying your devotion to me and your devotion to him is tearing you apart?”
“Yes, Matt.”
The room grew dark and a sheath of filmy gloom passed between us. Matt noticed the change in the light. He flinched and turned to follow the darkness as it left the room.
“Did you see that, Fairy?”
I saw it, but I lied. I didn’t want to pursue the idea of paranormal visitation and give life to the spirit which pressed in on us in that moment. I continued to hold eye contact with Matt while I wound my fingers into the hem of my dress. I shivered as the darkness hovered behind me.
“Matt, I don’t see anything but a man in denial of what we did.”
Matt stood and walked toward me. He bent and put his hands on my knees.
“She’s here. I feel her all around us.”
I choked back the fear and took his face in my hands. “It’s not her and she doesn’t exist.” I leaned to whisper in his ears. “It’s God’s favourite angel.”
Matt pushed me away from him.
“It cannot be. I have cleansed this home. I did not welcome darkness here. Who would bring darkness into my home?”
I knew it was me. I knew I had done this to him and I had no will to live.
“Matt, what do you want me to do? I am so confused.”
“I want you to find a way to live with what we have done. I want you to live with who you really are, and not settle for something that makes the rest of them happy. They are comfortable knowing that you are contained. You will not live like this. If you keep denying her presence, you will die, and I mean really die.”
“What?”
“One day, when you are sitting in front of your television and your spirit is locked away in the medicine cabinet, you will realize that time is coming for you. You will wither away and never notice the moment of your death. And do you know why?”
“Why?”
“Because you will already be dead.”
December 23, 1994
It was the day that time stood still. Yeah, I know, sounds familiar doesn’t it? It was the day that the prophet passed into the other realm. Yeah, that old guy named death came for him and I was not there to bring salvation. It was a gloomy day, no, not a gloomy Sunday, not this time. It was a day that would make me question a few things in reality.
It was 2:15 p.m. and the ride back from New Orleans was dragging on and on. I was sleepy and for a moment, I thought about Matt. I wondered if he was thinking of me. I looked back at the clock and it was still 2:15. It seemed like time was taking its time and I was growing impatient.
“Where are we now?”
My brother glanced to me and grimaced. “Don’t be silly, you know where we are.”
“No, I don’t, and you don’t have to be a smartass.”
“We’re somewhere near Clarksdale, on 55.”
I looked back to the clock and it was suddenly 2:20. In one minute time had passed 5, and I shook my head to clear out all the dust that apparently formed between 2:15 and 2:20. My obsession with time was the reason why I noticed when the clock struck 2:30, and when it did, nothing was the same.
“It won’t be long now, huh?”
My brother grunted a reply. I took his answer as a “yes”.
During those last ten minutes, I remember staring out the windshield at all the cars passing by in the opposite lane. I wanted to pass the time away and so I counted the colours of the various vehicles. I noticed once more that white was a dominant colour in the world of the automobile. The human preference was obvious.
“Did you know that more people buy white vehicles than any other colour?”
“No, not really, but then again, I don’t sit around staring at cars going down the road.”
I decided to leave him alone. He was tired and irritable, and I was not welcome in this thoughts at that moment. I watched the cars again. I looked down to check the time and it was exactly 2:30 p.m. Again, it didn’t seem like ten minutes had passed. I shrugged and went back to my car colour game.
It wasn’t the same. When my eyes met the road, I saw the thing that happened and the thing that happened saw me too. It was playing a part for me, entertaining my skepticism, giving me a reason to search for a reason. I had no time to do that. I was mystified.
“Hey, did you see that?”
My brother grunted again and glanced at me. “I told you I wasn’t interested in what colour the cars were.”
I stared at what was happeneing in the other lane. My heart was pounded and my breath was comoing hard and fast. “It’s going backwards! I mean, it was going backwards and then it stopped. Then, it was back to normal!”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“The cars!! Look, I was sitting here watching the cars go past when they stopped, in a blink of an eye, they stopped! Then, they went backwards, just like when you watch those old VCRs and you can see the scenes moving backwards, like that! Then it stopped again and it went back to normal. It was so quick. Oh my God! There must be something wrong with me. Did you see it?”
“No, I didn’t see anything. I am trying to drive. You’re probably sleepy. You were out last night. Yeah, didn’t think I knew about that, did you?”
I was shocked. I had no idea he knew about me sneaking out and taking his car, and how I walked down the streets of New Orleans in the middle of the night. I didn’t know whether to be in awe of the time lapse or if I should feel a little uncomfortable for taking my brother’s car without his permission.
“I’m sorry.”
My brother looked at me then back to the road. “Sorry for what? What are you talking about?”
“I’m sorry I took your car.”
He shook his head. “When did you take my car? What are you talking about? Have you lost your mind in the Big Easy?”
“But you said, I was out in your car.”
“Look, you need some serious sleep. You are hallucinating with your eyes and ears. Just go to sleep. I will wake you when we get near home.”
“Okay.”
I didn’t sleep though. I turned toward my own window and stared at the trees whipping by. I didn’t want to look at the traffic. I didn’t want to know about the real nature of time. I had no desire to face that truth that time could do anything it wanted to do. In the bible, I remember reading the passage where God turned to his people and said. “Who are you to question me?” I knew that I could not question time, nor could I question fate. Little did I know, I could not question death either.
Never ever could I question death, lest he decide to take me early.
For now, he enjoyed my company and he loved to show me what he could do.
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