Tormented Dreams

I don’t want to disturb you at all, I don’t; and so I tiptoe up to where you sit. The water that surrounds us is tranquil, so quiet, and so are you. You know that I am standing behind you, bare feet on the dock and summer dress blowing lazily in the breeze. You know that I am standing with my arms crossed over my chest and my brow furrowed in frustration. You know that I am there and yet you do not even flinch in your knowing. You just hold your fishing rod tilted slightly up and over the edge of your knee, waiting for that bite.

I squat down partially behind and partially beside you. I want you to turn and look at me. I want to see your eyes and know that I am gone from your mind. You will not turn, you bite your lip, sighing deeply and I know that you have refused to acknowledge my existence.

“I am sorry.” I venture to speak. “I had no idea that I would have such a hard time…”

My words find no anchor and I wonder why I am still coming here. Suddenly the wood beneath my feet feels so very cold and unforgiving. I dig my toes into the firmness of it and stand. For a moment, I just stand there and watch you. I watch as you rub your thumb against the rubber grip on the fishing rod, then silently turn the handle, putting tension on your line. I touch the top of your cap and push it down toward the bill. I quietly hope for your irritation, your reaction, your anything….to turn your face to mine. I know that I shouldn’t be here and I know these waters surrounding the dock are dangerous. I hear them whispering and pushing against the poles underneath the docks frame. I hear the words that come up from the bottom of the lake.

Enter here by this way only… gather brave ones, gone before….enter here by this way only…enter here, forget the shore…

Shivering suddenly, my heart goes wild. I can feel my eyes growing huge as I run back down the dock toward the shoreline. Feet pounding, only surpassed by my untamed heart. Pounding hard and sure back toward the earth’s sanctuary and the guidance of the pure. As my feet touch the earth, I let go of my running speed and almost fall to the ground. Looking back, I see you there and you have not moved at all. I cannot hear the voices but I rush behind the nearest tree and wrap my arms around the girth of it. I peer back at the dock, at the water and at you as you somberly sit, pole on lap and still no fish for dinner. I wonder if I really heard those voices at all. I wonder if it t’were my savior reminding me of my near folly. I want to walk back out to you, but I am scared. I am so scared of my demise and of the tortures that await me if I chance to follow my heart.

Enter here by this way only…gather brave ones, gone before…enter here by this way only…enter here, forget the shore…

I shiver and look, first to my right and then to the left. I see no one else here on this strange and two-toned day. There are small puffy clouds that dance swiftly across the sky, playing games with the sun. The big burning ball says “peek-a-boo!” then hides again for giggles and fun. I imagine that fiery ball laughing at me as I look from behind my hiding spot. I watch the water again, which has now become turbulent and angry. I lashes hard against the shore scaring the ducks up into the trees. Overhead, a storm cloud forms and soft rumbles carry along the air. I look to the end of the dock and you are gone.

Enter here by this way only…gather brave ones, gone before…enter here by this way only…enter here, forget the shore…

“Hey…”

I feel the warmth of something as it touched my shoulder; but I am scared to turn around. I know why I am afraid but I will not say the reason. I turn and you are there, not even far enough for me to feel comfortable. I step back instinctively and pull myself behind the other side of the tree. From the other side, I see your face peer at me and smile.

“Ha ha…are you hiding?” Your eyes are there and I cannot bear it. My whole being wants to run, run out into the cold lake and dive down into a dream. There is a sudden dream there that waits for me. I know the dream waits and it calls. The dream wants to make you less potent and trivial. I know that now. I cannot touch your face, as I want; I cannot see your soul, as I want and I cannot stay here, as I want. I must do as the waters tell me and for now….

Your hand touches my cheek and you push air from between your pursed lips. You wish for me to be silent and I do. I put my head down and watch the grass bend between my toes. Gradually the warmth dissipates from my cheek and I feel nothing again. I look up and you are not there. I see the storm clouds racing into the distance followed by strange black birds. Reaching up, I touch the place where your hand caressed me. I turned as well and see your hunched form at the end of the dock. Your fishing rod twitches suddenly then bows down deeply toward the surface of the water. You pull back the rod, then jerk once, twice and three times. With a volley of energy mustered from somewhere unknown, you reel in your line. At the end is a flopping and desperately frightened silver Breem. The fish wiggles in a flurry of fear and hatred as you reach out and grasp its shiney brilliance. I smiled because my heart is swollen in pride and some strange unconditional love.

I turn and walk away, leaving you with your innocence.