Just to Keep you Real

"I am so proud of you".

Daphne smiled at him because she loved him, but he was not there at all. She imagined his face so close to hers, his eyes dancing with her darkness and his short hand cupping her fingers. She sometimes really lost it when she saw him hurting and she couldn't go to him. Hell, she couldn't even talk to him. It was by the rules that she had set for herself.

"I am proud of you." Daphne whispered in her room.

 She whispered to something, a dust bunny or a cobweb; but Daphne was telling the wrong objects, while the object of her affection was far away from her. She leaned against the wall feeling the coldness through the wood paneling. What was she going to do now?

"If I could talk to you again, would I tell you?" she asked herself.

Her words were as silly as her tugging and twining fingers. She couldn't keep still, she keep pulling strands of hair away from her head and rolling them around her fingers. She was so nervous, she was so frustrated that she just couldn't sit any longer.

"I have to go..I have to get out of here now!"

The door was broken. The dog had been caught chewing on the bottom left corner of the wood. She kicked him but it was too late. Something that he did made the door stick every time she tried to open it. She would have to pull really hard and jerk the knob. She was doing this now.

"Blasted door! Does everything have to be an act of congress?"

"Yes, it does". a voice spoke from behind her.

Daphne turned because she was instantly thrust into fear. She saw nothing, and this was what she expected to see. She was hearing him here and there, randomly invading her space. Even though it startled her, she welcomed his beautiful intrusion.

"I know that you are not really here, but I wish you were. I wish that you would appear and scare the bejesus out of me. It would just be worth it.

Daphne stood for a moment and then turned to walk out the door.

"Actually", she said "I don't really want you here because you hurt me so much".

Daphne waited a moment at the doorway. She scanned the apartment with her eyes. Her sadness was creeping out of her eyes and it radiated on her face. Every time she thought about how he abandoned her, she couldn't stop the ugly feelings. It was a mixture of intense and unconditional love and a hatred.  She had loved so hard that when abandoned, she hated him.

"How could you have done that to me? Now you know that Karma is a bitch, huh?"

Daphne was cruel. Her hurt was a knife that had festered with sepsis and mold. But Daphne didn't really want to wish him any ill will. Now she wanted to kiss him again. The emotions twisted and turned and catapulted down like a descending roller coaster. Then it was up again, and she was in love on a Friday. However far away, she would always love him.

Now she had her iPod in her hand. Absently, she had picked the device up and was flipping through songs. The Cure was there, with that tragic love song.

" I always guess them right."

Daphne put the ear buds in her ears and went out to tend to her garden. As she dug holes into the earth, she fantasized about trying to bury it again.

Daphne knew that it would never work, it never did. He would always be a part of her, taunting her mind with a very painful love that she never expected.