Rubbish

She won't let me sleep. I won't let her sleep.

The eternal muse

The Struggle...

"I do take medication, I do."
"What sort of medication?"
She smiled. "crazy pills, baby."

One is for the beast, one is for the dread and one is for the things that should stay in my head. One in the morning and one at night...who am I kidding, take all three at a time.

I wanted her gone, I did. Part of me was tired of cleaning up the mess and making excuses. Another part of me was wondering what it was like to be normal. It was so long ago when my aunt told me that I was a normal little girl. I think she felt sorry for me.

So, I went back to the regimen. I thought, as long as I take my meds and stay away from large crowds, I would be able to keep the crazy at bay.

I do. I do well, most of the time. That is, most of the timeeeeeeee, except...

There's this one thing, it's an animal, really. It's human and part animal, I think. It's a bird and it's black. It's a deep part of me that manifested as a child. As a child, however, it was only a shadow which portrayed dead things. As a child, it coaxed me into corners. It held me while the transformation ensued.

Now, the black bird is different. It's a weakness of mine and it's love. It draws me away from the light. It's not bad, per say, it's just different. I think it's freedom, I think it's everything and nothing at all.

So, this is what I did. I built a box inside. It's the black bird's part. A peice that will forever be the raven's lot.

When my heart flutters, the raven is reminding me that he never left.

When it's human again, I find it.

One is for the beast, one is for the dread and one is for the things that should stay in my head.

I have to remember this in order to keep me grounded and the black bird in flight.

"I do want to break free, I do. You have no idea how hard it is to keep my wings pinned down, do you?"

"Maybe as hard as it is for me..."

"You betcha."

The pines of my heart

:poems for unicorn press

It's never ending, these moments so blue
Under the cosmos, I think about you
Under the blanket in forests so deep
I fight the urge to sleep

A moment, I wish, a moment in time
A moment when I could dream you are mine
I wait in the pines, I walk in tall grass
This thing will never pass

Against all odds of falling apart
I bury my thoughts as I bury my heart
I wade into waters that bring my new life
I walk away from strife

I'm sorry, I wanted to hold you so near
I wanted so badly that you would be here
I wanted to touch you to smell you and then
to greet my aching sin

turn back time and death has no power

Raven

<iframe width="420" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/YAE1XTvKLXA" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

Real Ghosts

So let's play pretend that we are ghosts who have searched for ways to find each other. We knew, deep down of one another's existence, but yet, we were questioning our sanity. Each and every filament that passed outside our windows, we took for strange smoke anomalies in the air. You did not believe, truly believe in my existence, any more than I believed in yours. This is why we play pretend and this is why we always meet in a world somewhere far removed from our own, yet oddly similar.

If I were a ghost, how did I die? I dreamed I died in a car accident at a crossroads somewhere close to where I sit now. I guess that this place was only miles from here, surrounded by small brick homes  with trampolines in the backyard. There was a trailer on one corner with an old pick-up truck parked on a gravel driveway. There, I came speeding by and never paid much attention to the stop sign. The other guy hit me, jack-knifed and spinning round in circles. There, my engine caught aflame and I was  burned before I could kick open the broken door. And it  hurt, but my pain faded as my spirit wafted up into the air. There, floating gently above, I thought of you.

Simultaneously, you fell to your knees in a strange and sudden bout of pain. Your attempts to call for help could not be heard because you were far from home. There in the midst of the forest by the lake, you grasped the trunk of the closest tree and screamed for help. But you were alone, because you chose to be alone and no one could hear you.. Your strong will to find yourself was wrapped within your desire to become one with nature. As your breath grew rapid and the vessels in your head burst, no one could hear those sounds, those dying sounds that escaped as you drifted up above. Could it be that you looked down and saw yourself lying oddly against the pine and the edge of the Mississippi mud. You noticed how strange you looked and your desire to adjust yourself was be unbearable. But then you thought of me, and turned toward the treeline.

And it was done, you see. As we dreamt it would be, we passed from this life to the next. Things looked different and yet the same. No, they cannot hear us and no we have no solid form. Every now and then for giggles, we pretend we have bodies that wrap round each other and pull each other close. But for the most part, we are vapor. We are dead and yet, we still cannot seem to hold onto something that was just a dream. No matter how many times our transparency tries to pull together, we find that we are still dreaming.

The path is there, untouched, the hands of the clock have not moved and yet, we are lost to each other.

My reality

I wished they knew how it felt to be invisible.

" I love the way your stubble slightly grazes my skin, it makes me feel funny".

He bit the corner of his full lips and smiled. Suddenly, his blue eyes grew bluer and I knew he was about to move in for another kiss. This time he kissed me harder than before.

"want me to do it again?" 

He thrust his cheek out to threaten a prickly stubble attack, and I gasped. He chuckled then and the smile faded. A serious expression replaced his earlier mischievous demeanor. He spoke clearly and with authority.

"You have to stop, Dahlia. This isn't healthy, you know."

He began to fade then and I could feel the heavy stones within my heart grow even heavier. I didn't want to open my eyes. I didn't want to let go of his rough hands, which were now slipping through my fingers.

"Don't go, not now...please."

I reached out and managed to grasp his elbow which had not yet faded into nothing. It was the last thing I touched from before. His ghostly face held softness then and his eyes pierced the firmament between my reality and his own. I knew what his last words would be even as his eyes remained fixed with mine.

"It's midnight Cinderella"

And it was. In fact, it had been midnight for a very long time. But a part of me would never go home.