Psychosis

All the while, and I bet you didn’t know. He has been after me. You know, I seen him peeking from between the saplings and he was but a whiff of blackness and a smudge of the impossible. I saw him, decades ago and I still see him now. He never left me alone and I don’t know if he ever will. I find his magic to be toxic, a growing parasite that will not rest until I join him. If you tell me that he is the devil, then you may be right. To be honest, I have no clue what he is. To get away from him, I think of you.

You hold me still, still holding me here despite the hell that roars in my ears and death which constantly tried to take me down. I want you to feel things that your mind cannot comprehend on its own. To feel the mechanics of what I have found, you cannot think as logical thinkers do. For it is not within the jellied brain that you shall find the answers. It is somewhere in that knot in your throat and the stir in your loans. That is where it is and that is where you shall find me, cowering and afraid of the light.

All this time, he is coming for me. When I cannot hear, when I cannot see, I reach out and grasp with desperation, a grip on reality. I fall back into this morning, a place that I thought I would never go again. I tried so hard to drive it back. I tried so hard to muffle the screams of the manic thing within. I tried but nothing could hold down that part that wanted more.

I drove and I watching it jumping between the trees, just as before when a teenage version of me saw the thing in the forest. I remember the strange man which danced and flew, flitting between the winter trees. He would laugh and cavort around, playing games with my eyes. I saw him this morning and then when I looked at the stop sign, it was no longer red, but a sickly yellow hue. Then everything left me. I could not find you there anymore, I found myself staring into a blackness and void of anything else. I saw the bumper approach me and then the impact. It was like an amusement ride gone horribly wrong and satanic, around and around and more yellow. When everything stopped, my chest was exploding inside with pain. Laughter erupted from my mouth and then my ears suddenly could hear again. She screamed from somewhere close.

“Get out! Please, Get out!”

I looked at my chest and the yellow bag thing. I took a breath and the pain said hello. She screamed…

“Get out! Get out of the car!”

I opened the door and stepped from the car, reaching back inside to get my purse. I was distant, yet I stood. I looked back at myself, disheveled hair, pajama pants and pink steel toed boots. Then back again, inside the body and then back again looking down at the wounded girl.

I walked into the center of the road and looked around. The world was beautiful, even with the screaming lady. Flames, bursting flames…but that was from before. Memory crashed around me but nothing seemed to stick. I felt him near to me, the bad thing and so I stared into the air, very near him.

Then she left and I found the pain again. I shall never be whole because there is too many of me. I will never find reality because he stole that too.

And death waits….grows angry and plots another way.

Don’t you know…my mind is a war zone. So many fighting to find the way, to stop the pain and to be victorious. You hold me still.

I run so fast and climb so far and yet, she dances like a lunatic. You hold me still.

I beg him please, don’t take me yet and then beg God for so much mercy.

And when I think of you, I cannot stop….its like a bitter and glorious thing that fills my heart with love and why…

You hold me still, you put it together ….I am one.

He still comes. When no one is looking and they are all pre-occupied with the world’s amusements, he comes. I stand in the bathroom, still wrapped in my towel from the shower. Here, I can feel him coming for me. The air grows thick and it is as if doom were a ringing bell that I cannot hear. My ear is inward and I am alerted of his passage.

I push into the corner and I fill my mind with you. The one who understands and the one who keeps me still.

I cannot see the worms this time. I have another moment of peace. I cherish these fleeting moments, these hours and these days, without the impact and the impending warning of my death to come.

It's midnight Cinderella

“Hey!” I rasped my knuckles against the stone wall and waited. I could hear the shuffling on the other side and I knew he was there.  I could also sense that he was unsure of himself and that is why he did not speak. I knew that I must coax him out from behind his big stone fortress. “Are you there?”

When he did not respond, I sat down hard against the wall. I was exhausted and I had been going way too far chasing him around like some crazed school girl. Oh, who am I kidding, I am a crazed girl, just been out of school for quite some time so that really doesn’t work for me. Now, I am just some crazy old lady that fell into a delusional conquest. Suddenly, it became time to go home and I felt it in every bone.

“Fine, you know what, if you don’t want me to come scream against your “big bad stone wall” then stop leaving your bread crumbs behind the bushes for me to “happen” to find. I know your conniving and your seeming innocence, and guess what mister, I know your game. If you keep doing this, I shall break down that wall and drag you out by your collar. Do you hear me??”

That is when I heard the water, it was faint, and it sounded like it was beating against the shore. I knew your heart and its folly, so I decided to go ahead and slip the message into the broken segment of brick right above my head. This way, you could, at least, have the opportunity to read my uninhibited words. After all, the torment of not leaving the clues would drive me further insane anyway. I stood on tiptoe and first looked through the fragmented hole in the wall. I saw the ocean blue and the blue sky amplified my interest.  As the waves crashed the shore I noticed that I had calmed down quite a bit. It seemed that the ocean took hold of my spirit and cradled it closely, pulling and relieving the manic frustration.

“I see you and I am sorry. I know that things are not as simple as you would want them to be. It’s just that sometimes when you see the rainbow, it would be nice to find the end, touch the surface and know that it is real. I can never have that and no amount of codes and snippets of paper will every replace a hand on the back of my head, running down the length of my hair, an arm intertwined in mine and a warm hand upon my back. It is the simple things that kept the darkness as bay. Earth is barren without the water and the fire and blue blue sky. Cant you see…I shall die here, crumpled at the base of this wall, with a muse for a heart.

“It’s midnight Cinderella.”

I swallow the lump in my throat and push the rolled paper through the gap in the wall. I can almost feel your fingers touch mine as you receive my code and let out a great long sigh.

I leave before my chariot turns to a pumpkin and my horses turn to mice. But I shall return, for it cannot stay midnight forever.

Stopping it

"I am no savior to those who hurt. I am nothing like that!"

I take the rusty nail and place the tip against the hem of my dress. From this strange position, I swing the hammer and make contact. My grip is clumsy and very unsure, but I swing again. One....two...three...

"I am not so innocent as that!"

Four...Five and Six...

I am pinned at that point and I reach for another... Placing the tip of the rusty nail against the sleeve of my dress, I slam the side of the hammer head against the head of the nail. One...Two..."Oh crap!"

The nail falls to the floor and rolls away. I reach for another and place the tip as the one before it. I swing toward the nail head and my shaking hand. I do manage to miss my hand, miraculously and drive the nail in once...twice and another time to boot. I am pinned now, in several places with no pain. I think to myself that It would have been better through a foot or a thigh.

I can sense your presence out there somewhere, your long awaiting human scent. I lean against the wall and exhale long, slow and brilliantly. I know that I cannot be held by nail and fabric, what was I thinking. Maybe I wished for symbolic bondage to hold the other in place.

"Curse you! Why do you drive me insane?"

My hand fumbles with the last nail as I contemplate where I shall drive it. Placing it firmly above over my chest, I laugh uproariously.

As I hear the others from within, stirring and fumbling within their sepulchers, their tombs of delight, I grow silent. I drop the nail to the floor and put my hands together in prayer.

"Father...I cannot hold the fortress alone."

I feel your presence hold me and keep me much stronger than any nail or rope or bond.

Tormented Dreams

I don’t want to disturb you at all, I don’t; and so I tiptoe up to where you sit. The water that surrounds us is tranquil, so quiet, and so are you. You know that I am standing behind you, bare feet on the dock and summer dress blowing lazily in the breeze. You know that I am standing with my arms crossed over my chest and my brow furrowed in frustration. You know that I am there and yet you do not even flinch in your knowing. You just hold your fishing rod tilted slightly up and over the edge of your knee, waiting for that bite.

I squat down partially behind and partially beside you. I want you to turn and look at me. I want to see your eyes and know that I am gone from your mind. You will not turn, you bite your lip, sighing deeply and I know that you have refused to acknowledge my existence.

“I am sorry.” I venture to speak. “I had no idea that I would have such a hard time…”

My words find no anchor and I wonder why I am still coming here. Suddenly the wood beneath my feet feels so very cold and unforgiving. I dig my toes into the firmness of it and stand. For a moment, I just stand there and watch you. I watch as you rub your thumb against the rubber grip on the fishing rod, then silently turn the handle, putting tension on your line. I touch the top of your cap and push it down toward the bill. I quietly hope for your irritation, your reaction, your anything….to turn your face to mine. I know that I shouldn’t be here and I know these waters surrounding the dock are dangerous. I hear them whispering and pushing against the poles underneath the docks frame. I hear the words that come up from the bottom of the lake.

Enter here by this way only… gather brave ones, gone before….enter here by this way only…enter here, forget the shore…

Shivering suddenly, my heart goes wild. I can feel my eyes growing huge as I run back down the dock toward the shoreline. Feet pounding, only surpassed by my untamed heart. Pounding hard and sure back toward the earth’s sanctuary and the guidance of the pure. As my feet touch the earth, I let go of my running speed and almost fall to the ground. Looking back, I see you there and you have not moved at all. I cannot hear the voices but I rush behind the nearest tree and wrap my arms around the girth of it. I peer back at the dock, at the water and at you as you somberly sit, pole on lap and still no fish for dinner. I wonder if I really heard those voices at all. I wonder if it t’were my savior reminding me of my near folly. I want to walk back out to you, but I am scared. I am so scared of my demise and of the tortures that await me if I chance to follow my heart.

Enter here by this way only…gather brave ones, gone before…enter here by this way only…enter here, forget the shore…

I shiver and look, first to my right and then to the left. I see no one else here on this strange and two-toned day. There are small puffy clouds that dance swiftly across the sky, playing games with the sun. The big burning ball says “peek-a-boo!” then hides again for giggles and fun. I imagine that fiery ball laughing at me as I look from behind my hiding spot. I watch the water again, which has now become turbulent and angry. I lashes hard against the shore scaring the ducks up into the trees. Overhead, a storm cloud forms and soft rumbles carry along the air. I look to the end of the dock and you are gone.

Enter here by this way only…gather brave ones, gone before…enter here by this way only…enter here, forget the shore…

“Hey…”

I feel the warmth of something as it touched my shoulder; but I am scared to turn around. I know why I am afraid but I will not say the reason. I turn and you are there, not even far enough for me to feel comfortable. I step back instinctively and pull myself behind the other side of the tree. From the other side, I see your face peer at me and smile.

“Ha ha…are you hiding?” Your eyes are there and I cannot bear it. My whole being wants to run, run out into the cold lake and dive down into a dream. There is a sudden dream there that waits for me. I know the dream waits and it calls. The dream wants to make you less potent and trivial. I know that now. I cannot touch your face, as I want; I cannot see your soul, as I want and I cannot stay here, as I want. I must do as the waters tell me and for now….

Your hand touches my cheek and you push air from between your pursed lips. You wish for me to be silent and I do. I put my head down and watch the grass bend between my toes. Gradually the warmth dissipates from my cheek and I feel nothing again. I look up and you are not there. I see the storm clouds racing into the distance followed by strange black birds. Reaching up, I touch the place where your hand caressed me. I turned as well and see your hunched form at the end of the dock. Your fishing rod twitches suddenly then bows down deeply toward the surface of the water. You pull back the rod, then jerk once, twice and three times. With a volley of energy mustered from somewhere unknown, you reel in your line. At the end is a flopping and desperately frightened silver Breem. The fish wiggles in a flurry of fear and hatred as you reach out and grasp its shiney brilliance. I smiled because my heart is swollen in pride and some strange unconditional love.

I turn and walk away, leaving you with your innocence.

spirit

Spirit was a giggle in the wind, a soft voice when mother died and a warm hand when she felt that things were unbalanced. She shook the very firmament of being within and took no prisoners. She devours and delights, brings hope to the hopeless by pulling free from the chains of society. Spirit, the dark faerie has no boundaries and no ties. Just in case you would like to know, Spirit's hair is auburn and her eyes change color....sometimes brown and sometimes hazel. She runs through the forests and her skin goes bronze beneath the sun and glimmers in the moonlight. She is raven...

Anna

Anna is a secret. I cannot tell you who she is and why she came to me. She was the last piece of a complicated puzzle. Anna mediates between Sherrie and Spirit. She brings the calm, the numbness and the complacency. Anna brings sanctuary to the troubled souls of the others. Anna has red hair, freckles and beautiful green eyes. Sometimes she is very strong within.

Sherrie

Sherrie, who I was born as...on November 3, 1974. I was a raven haired girl, dark eyed, innocent and pale;  I was pre-destined to be a vessel for others. My personality was somber, quiet and only my screams were loud and demanding. I nurtured butterflies and sat in my daddy's lap playing pee-a-boo. I guess I was a normal child. She is quiet and she is alone...she is wolf