Real Ghosts

So let's play pretend that we are ghosts who have searched for ways to find each other. We knew, deep down of one another's existence, but yet, we were questioning our sanity. Each and every filament that passed outside our windows, we took for strange smoke anomalies in the air. You did not believe, truly believe in my existence, any more than I believed in yours. This is why we play pretend and this is why we always meet in a world somewhere far removed from our own, yet oddly similar.

If I were a ghost, how did I die? I dreamed I died in a car accident at a crossroads somewhere close to where I sit now. I guess that this place was only miles from here, surrounded by small brick homes  with trampolines in the backyard. There was a trailer on one corner with an old pick-up truck parked on a gravel driveway. There, I came speeding by and never paid much attention to the stop sign. The other guy hit me, jack-knifed and spinning round in circles. There, my engine caught aflame and I was  burned before I could kick open the broken door. And it  hurt, but my pain faded as my spirit wafted up into the air. There, floating gently above, I thought of you.

Simultaneously, you fell to your knees in a strange and sudden bout of pain. Your attempts to call for help could not be heard because you were far from home. There in the midst of the forest by the lake, you grasped the trunk of the closest tree and screamed for help. But you were alone, because you chose to be alone and no one could hear you.. Your strong will to find yourself was wrapped within your desire to become one with nature. As your breath grew rapid and the vessels in your head burst, no one could hear those sounds, those dying sounds that escaped as you drifted up above. Could it be that you looked down and saw yourself lying oddly against the pine and the edge of the Mississippi mud. You noticed how strange you looked and your desire to adjust yourself was be unbearable. But then you thought of me, and turned toward the treeline.

And it was done, you see. As we dreamt it would be, we passed from this life to the next. Things looked different and yet the same. No, they cannot hear us and no we have no solid form. Every now and then for giggles, we pretend we have bodies that wrap round each other and pull each other close. But for the most part, we are vapor. We are dead and yet, we still cannot seem to hold onto something that was just a dream. No matter how many times our transparency tries to pull together, we find that we are still dreaming.

The path is there, untouched, the hands of the clock have not moved and yet, we are lost to each other.

My reality

I wished they knew how it felt to be invisible.

" I love the way your stubble slightly grazes my skin, it makes me feel funny".

He bit the corner of his full lips and smiled. Suddenly, his blue eyes grew bluer and I knew he was about to move in for another kiss. This time he kissed me harder than before.

"want me to do it again?" 

He thrust his cheek out to threaten a prickly stubble attack, and I gasped. He chuckled then and the smile faded. A serious expression replaced his earlier mischievous demeanor. He spoke clearly and with authority.

"You have to stop, Dahlia. This isn't healthy, you know."

He began to fade then and I could feel the heavy stones within my heart grow even heavier. I didn't want to open my eyes. I didn't want to let go of his rough hands, which were now slipping through my fingers.

"Don't go, not now...please."

I reached out and managed to grasp his elbow which had not yet faded into nothing. It was the last thing I touched from before. His ghostly face held softness then and his eyes pierced the firmament between my reality and his own. I knew what his last words would be even as his eyes remained fixed with mine.

"It's midnight Cinderella"

And it was. In fact, it had been midnight for a very long time. But a part of me would never go home.

Evanescence - Lithium

Evanescence - Breathe No More

"October" - Evanescence

Just to Keep you Real

"I am so proud of you".

Daphne smiled at him because she loved him, but he was not there at all. She imagined his face so close to hers, his eyes dancing with her darkness and his short hand cupping her fingers. She sometimes really lost it when she saw him hurting and she couldn't go to him. Hell, she couldn't even talk to him. It was by the rules that she had set for herself.

"I am proud of you." Daphne whispered in her room.

 She whispered to something, a dust bunny or a cobweb; but Daphne was telling the wrong objects, while the object of her affection was far away from her. She leaned against the wall feeling the coldness through the wood paneling. What was she going to do now?

"If I could talk to you again, would I tell you?" she asked herself.

Her words were as silly as her tugging and twining fingers. She couldn't keep still, she keep pulling strands of hair away from her head and rolling them around her fingers. She was so nervous, she was so frustrated that she just couldn't sit any longer.

"I have to go..I have to get out of here now!"

The door was broken. The dog had been caught chewing on the bottom left corner of the wood. She kicked him but it was too late. Something that he did made the door stick every time she tried to open it. She would have to pull really hard and jerk the knob. She was doing this now.

"Blasted door! Does everything have to be an act of congress?"

"Yes, it does". a voice spoke from behind her.

Daphne turned because she was instantly thrust into fear. She saw nothing, and this was what she expected to see. She was hearing him here and there, randomly invading her space. Even though it startled her, she welcomed his beautiful intrusion.

"I know that you are not really here, but I wish you were. I wish that you would appear and scare the bejesus out of me. It would just be worth it.

Daphne stood for a moment and then turned to walk out the door.

"Actually", she said "I don't really want you here because you hurt me so much".

Daphne waited a moment at the doorway. She scanned the apartment with her eyes. Her sadness was creeping out of her eyes and it radiated on her face. Every time she thought about how he abandoned her, she couldn't stop the ugly feelings. It was a mixture of intense and unconditional love and a hatred.  She had loved so hard that when abandoned, she hated him.

"How could you have done that to me? Now you know that Karma is a bitch, huh?"

Daphne was cruel. Her hurt was a knife that had festered with sepsis and mold. But Daphne didn't really want to wish him any ill will. Now she wanted to kiss him again. The emotions twisted and turned and catapulted down like a descending roller coaster. Then it was up again, and she was in love on a Friday. However far away, she would always love him.

Now she had her iPod in her hand. Absently, she had picked the device up and was flipping through songs. The Cure was there, with that tragic love song.

" I always guess them right."

Daphne put the ear buds in her ears and went out to tend to her garden. As she dug holes into the earth, she fantasized about trying to bury it again.

Daphne knew that it would never work, it never did. He would always be a part of her, taunting her mind with a very painful love that she never expected.

Here is the blade. Shall you run me through?

You have always been such an enigma. I have written story after story about you, never growing tired of your characters. You are Gavin, Pablo and you are Lawrence. I find your face in the entryway to my dreams.

Perhaps you shall be there for many years to come and I shall weave your substance into thousands of stories, poems and quotes, only time can show your fate in many dreams, many enchanted forests and in bellies of dark mechanical beasts.

If I should go away forever,you only have to say it. I will grant your wish. My stories will change and the vessels of the monster will purge themselves. In ace of your aching heart, I shall write some other scene-something that is a shadow of some other emotion in-related to you. I shall definitely go away into history as if I had never been formed.

But if you do not wish it, I will stay in the shadows while storms rage from within...my heart,my flesh and my soul is a sepulture for the death in you.

The Broken Girls

Karen, Kerri Ann,Yuki, Sherrie and Tysha

Tormented-Broken-Dead

"Are you still tormented?"

"Yes, I am still terribly tormented."

Macie dropped her head and stared at her fingers. She always liked to look at her hands; she imagined them to be intertwined with his fingers. A knotted mass of the most beautiful thing on earth. She was silly. The last time she saw his picture, she focused on his hands. She looked at his hands and his lips because she could not see his eyes.

Her other was quiet. Macie looked up to see the dead girl watching her. Macie wanted to say something but her words were tired. They had been coming out through her fingers in such a torrent that her brain had started to hurt.

Her other opened her lips and Macie could see the darkness. "Macie, you must put this thing to rest. You know it is for the best."

"I cannot betray him like this." Macie's face was a mess of pain. Her forehead scrunched up in defense. If her anger could make the dead girl go away then she could keep her torment. She could put it in the bone box, within the meaty drum and the dead girl could never find it. Macie could hide it.

"Macie, listen to me." the dead girl got close, close enough that Macie could smell the cemetary on her friend's skin. She was pale and her red hair contrasted with her dead flesh. Macie focused on the dead girl's freckles like before. She liked the freckles.

" Listen to me!" The dead girl touched Macie on the arm making her jump. "You have to let it go."

Macie looked into the dead girl's green eyes and grew angry. "No!"

"Macie, you are still broken."

"I know, Anna. But we are the broken girls."

Anna grew sad and then she spoke very firmly. "I am not broken, Macie. I am dead."

Kathy, a godsend

We first met on Triond. It was when Spirit was cavorting around like a lunatic and starting terrible trouble. Kathy was always so grounded and good. At the time, I didn't notice her much. I was living the crazed life and stealing energy from the boys.

As triond faded into the past, I kept in contact with Kathy. Over time, I started to write more and really find my true calling. Kathy and I talked of things on occasion and that is when I realized what I must do. I asked her questions and she guided me through the wilderness of freelancing. Then, she let me go. I have been fighting through the underbrush and finding small victories along the way. I am not where I want to be, but I am enjoying the journey.

Kathy is a godsend.

Lonely earth

I say, give to me sustanence. I crave the waters of your gaze. I am in longing for that very rare and hydrating heart of yours. The oceans, the rivers and the lakes cannot quench my suffering...

I cannot forget nor shall I ever lose hope.

I am tormented and I am starving.

Psychosis

All the while, and I bet you didn’t know. He has been after me. You know, I seen him peeking from between the saplings and he was but a whiff of blackness and a smudge of the impossible. I saw him, decades ago and I still see him now. He never left me alone and I don’t know if he ever will. I find his magic to be toxic, a growing parasite that will not rest until I join him. If you tell me that he is the devil, then you may be right. To be honest, I have no clue what he is. To get away from him, I think of you.

You hold me still, still holding me here despite the hell that roars in my ears and death which constantly tried to take me down. I want you to feel things that your mind cannot comprehend on its own. To feel the mechanics of what I have found, you cannot think as logical thinkers do. For it is not within the jellied brain that you shall find the answers. It is somewhere in that knot in your throat and the stir in your loans. That is where it is and that is where you shall find me, cowering and afraid of the light.

All this time, he is coming for me. When I cannot hear, when I cannot see, I reach out and grasp with desperation, a grip on reality. I fall back into this morning, a place that I thought I would never go again. I tried so hard to drive it back. I tried so hard to muffle the screams of the manic thing within. I tried but nothing could hold down that part that wanted more.

I drove and I watching it jumping between the trees, just as before when a teenage version of me saw the thing in the forest. I remember the strange man which danced and flew, flitting between the winter trees. He would laugh and cavort around, playing games with my eyes. I saw him this morning and then when I looked at the stop sign, it was no longer red, but a sickly yellow hue. Then everything left me. I could not find you there anymore, I found myself staring into a blackness and void of anything else. I saw the bumper approach me and then the impact. It was like an amusement ride gone horribly wrong and satanic, around and around and more yellow. When everything stopped, my chest was exploding inside with pain. Laughter erupted from my mouth and then my ears suddenly could hear again. She screamed from somewhere close.

“Get out! Please, Get out!”

I looked at my chest and the yellow bag thing. I took a breath and the pain said hello. She screamed…

“Get out! Get out of the car!”

I opened the door and stepped from the car, reaching back inside to get my purse. I was distant, yet I stood. I looked back at myself, disheveled hair, pajama pants and pink steel toed boots. Then back again, inside the body and then back again looking down at the wounded girl.

I walked into the center of the road and looked around. The world was beautiful, even with the screaming lady. Flames, bursting flames…but that was from before. Memory crashed around me but nothing seemed to stick. I felt him near to me, the bad thing and so I stared into the air, very near him.

Then she left and I found the pain again. I shall never be whole because there is too many of me. I will never find reality because he stole that too.

And death waits….grows angry and plots another way.

Don’t you know…my mind is a war zone. So many fighting to find the way, to stop the pain and to be victorious. You hold me still.

I run so fast and climb so far and yet, she dances like a lunatic. You hold me still.

I beg him please, don’t take me yet and then beg God for so much mercy.

And when I think of you, I cannot stop….its like a bitter and glorious thing that fills my heart with love and why…

You hold me still, you put it together ….I am one.

He still comes. When no one is looking and they are all pre-occupied with the world’s amusements, he comes. I stand in the bathroom, still wrapped in my towel from the shower. Here, I can feel him coming for me. The air grows thick and it is as if doom were a ringing bell that I cannot hear. My ear is inward and I am alerted of his passage.

I push into the corner and I fill my mind with you. The one who understands and the one who keeps me still.

I cannot see the worms this time. I have another moment of peace. I cherish these fleeting moments, these hours and these days, without the impact and the impending warning of my death to come.

It's midnight Cinderella

“Hey!” I rasped my knuckles against the stone wall and waited. I could hear the shuffling on the other side and I knew he was there.  I could also sense that he was unsure of himself and that is why he did not speak. I knew that I must coax him out from behind his big stone fortress. “Are you there?”

When he did not respond, I sat down hard against the wall. I was exhausted and I had been going way too far chasing him around like some crazed school girl. Oh, who am I kidding, I am a crazed girl, just been out of school for quite some time so that really doesn’t work for me. Now, I am just some crazy old lady that fell into a delusional conquest. Suddenly, it became time to go home and I felt it in every bone.

“Fine, you know what, if you don’t want me to come scream against your “big bad stone wall” then stop leaving your bread crumbs behind the bushes for me to “happen” to find. I know your conniving and your seeming innocence, and guess what mister, I know your game. If you keep doing this, I shall break down that wall and drag you out by your collar. Do you hear me??”

That is when I heard the water, it was faint, and it sounded like it was beating against the shore. I knew your heart and its folly, so I decided to go ahead and slip the message into the broken segment of brick right above my head. This way, you could, at least, have the opportunity to read my uninhibited words. After all, the torment of not leaving the clues would drive me further insane anyway. I stood on tiptoe and first looked through the fragmented hole in the wall. I saw the ocean blue and the blue sky amplified my interest.  As the waves crashed the shore I noticed that I had calmed down quite a bit. It seemed that the ocean took hold of my spirit and cradled it closely, pulling and relieving the manic frustration.

“I see you and I am sorry. I know that things are not as simple as you would want them to be. It’s just that sometimes when you see the rainbow, it would be nice to find the end, touch the surface and know that it is real. I can never have that and no amount of codes and snippets of paper will every replace a hand on the back of my head, running down the length of my hair, an arm intertwined in mine and a warm hand upon my back. It is the simple things that kept the darkness as bay. Earth is barren without the water and the fire and blue blue sky. Cant you see…I shall die here, crumpled at the base of this wall, with a muse for a heart.

“It’s midnight Cinderella.”

I swallow the lump in my throat and push the rolled paper through the gap in the wall. I can almost feel your fingers touch mine as you receive my code and let out a great long sigh.

I leave before my chariot turns to a pumpkin and my horses turn to mice. But I shall return, for it cannot stay midnight forever.

Stopping it

"I am no savior to those who hurt. I am nothing like that!"

I take the rusty nail and place the tip against the hem of my dress. From this strange position, I swing the hammer and make contact. My grip is clumsy and very unsure, but I swing again. One....two...three...

"I am not so innocent as that!"

Four...Five and Six...

I am pinned at that point and I reach for another... Placing the tip of the rusty nail against the sleeve of my dress, I slam the side of the hammer head against the head of the nail. One...Two..."Oh crap!"

The nail falls to the floor and rolls away. I reach for another and place the tip as the one before it. I swing toward the nail head and my shaking hand. I do manage to miss my hand, miraculously and drive the nail in once...twice and another time to boot. I am pinned now, in several places with no pain. I think to myself that It would have been better through a foot or a thigh.

I can sense your presence out there somewhere, your long awaiting human scent. I lean against the wall and exhale long, slow and brilliantly. I know that I cannot be held by nail and fabric, what was I thinking. Maybe I wished for symbolic bondage to hold the other in place.

"Curse you! Why do you drive me insane?"

My hand fumbles with the last nail as I contemplate where I shall drive it. Placing it firmly above over my chest, I laugh uproariously.

As I hear the others from within, stirring and fumbling within their sepulchers, their tombs of delight, I grow silent. I drop the nail to the floor and put my hands together in prayer.

"Father...I cannot hold the fortress alone."

I feel your presence hold me and keep me much stronger than any nail or rope or bond.

Tormented Dreams

I don’t want to disturb you at all, I don’t; and so I tiptoe up to where you sit. The water that surrounds us is tranquil, so quiet, and so are you. You know that I am standing behind you, bare feet on the dock and summer dress blowing lazily in the breeze. You know that I am standing with my arms crossed over my chest and my brow furrowed in frustration. You know that I am there and yet you do not even flinch in your knowing. You just hold your fishing rod tilted slightly up and over the edge of your knee, waiting for that bite.

I squat down partially behind and partially beside you. I want you to turn and look at me. I want to see your eyes and know that I am gone from your mind. You will not turn, you bite your lip, sighing deeply and I know that you have refused to acknowledge my existence.

“I am sorry.” I venture to speak. “I had no idea that I would have such a hard time…”

My words find no anchor and I wonder why I am still coming here. Suddenly the wood beneath my feet feels so very cold and unforgiving. I dig my toes into the firmness of it and stand. For a moment, I just stand there and watch you. I watch as you rub your thumb against the rubber grip on the fishing rod, then silently turn the handle, putting tension on your line. I touch the top of your cap and push it down toward the bill. I quietly hope for your irritation, your reaction, your anything….to turn your face to mine. I know that I shouldn’t be here and I know these waters surrounding the dock are dangerous. I hear them whispering and pushing against the poles underneath the docks frame. I hear the words that come up from the bottom of the lake.

Enter here by this way only… gather brave ones, gone before….enter here by this way only…enter here, forget the shore…

Shivering suddenly, my heart goes wild. I can feel my eyes growing huge as I run back down the dock toward the shoreline. Feet pounding, only surpassed by my untamed heart. Pounding hard and sure back toward the earth’s sanctuary and the guidance of the pure. As my feet touch the earth, I let go of my running speed and almost fall to the ground. Looking back, I see you there and you have not moved at all. I cannot hear the voices but I rush behind the nearest tree and wrap my arms around the girth of it. I peer back at the dock, at the water and at you as you somberly sit, pole on lap and still no fish for dinner. I wonder if I really heard those voices at all. I wonder if it t’were my savior reminding me of my near folly. I want to walk back out to you, but I am scared. I am so scared of my demise and of the tortures that await me if I chance to follow my heart.

Enter here by this way only…gather brave ones, gone before…enter here by this way only…enter here, forget the shore…

I shiver and look, first to my right and then to the left. I see no one else here on this strange and two-toned day. There are small puffy clouds that dance swiftly across the sky, playing games with the sun. The big burning ball says “peek-a-boo!” then hides again for giggles and fun. I imagine that fiery ball laughing at me as I look from behind my hiding spot. I watch the water again, which has now become turbulent and angry. I lashes hard against the shore scaring the ducks up into the trees. Overhead, a storm cloud forms and soft rumbles carry along the air. I look to the end of the dock and you are gone.

Enter here by this way only…gather brave ones, gone before…enter here by this way only…enter here, forget the shore…

“Hey…”

I feel the warmth of something as it touched my shoulder; but I am scared to turn around. I know why I am afraid but I will not say the reason. I turn and you are there, not even far enough for me to feel comfortable. I step back instinctively and pull myself behind the other side of the tree. From the other side, I see your face peer at me and smile.

“Ha ha…are you hiding?” Your eyes are there and I cannot bear it. My whole being wants to run, run out into the cold lake and dive down into a dream. There is a sudden dream there that waits for me. I know the dream waits and it calls. The dream wants to make you less potent and trivial. I know that now. I cannot touch your face, as I want; I cannot see your soul, as I want and I cannot stay here, as I want. I must do as the waters tell me and for now….

Your hand touches my cheek and you push air from between your pursed lips. You wish for me to be silent and I do. I put my head down and watch the grass bend between my toes. Gradually the warmth dissipates from my cheek and I feel nothing again. I look up and you are not there. I see the storm clouds racing into the distance followed by strange black birds. Reaching up, I touch the place where your hand caressed me. I turned as well and see your hunched form at the end of the dock. Your fishing rod twitches suddenly then bows down deeply toward the surface of the water. You pull back the rod, then jerk once, twice and three times. With a volley of energy mustered from somewhere unknown, you reel in your line. At the end is a flopping and desperately frightened silver Breem. The fish wiggles in a flurry of fear and hatred as you reach out and grasp its shiney brilliance. I smiled because my heart is swollen in pride and some strange unconditional love.

I turn and walk away, leaving you with your innocence.

spirit

Spirit was a giggle in the wind, a soft voice when mother died and a warm hand when she felt that things were unbalanced. She shook the very firmament of being within and took no prisoners. She devours and delights, brings hope to the hopeless by pulling free from the chains of society. Spirit, the dark faerie has no boundaries and no ties. Just in case you would like to know, Spirit's hair is auburn and her eyes change color....sometimes brown and sometimes hazel. She runs through the forests and her skin goes bronze beneath the sun and glimmers in the moonlight. She is raven...

Anna

Anna is a secret. I cannot tell you who she is and why she came to me. She was the last piece of a complicated puzzle. Anna mediates between Sherrie and Spirit. She brings the calm, the numbness and the complacency. Anna brings sanctuary to the troubled souls of the others. Anna has red hair, freckles and beautiful green eyes. Sometimes she is very strong within.

Sherrie

Sherrie, who I was born as...on November 3, 1974. I was a raven haired girl, dark eyed, innocent and pale;  I was pre-destined to be a vessel for others. My personality was somber, quiet and only my screams were loud and demanding. I nurtured butterflies and sat in my daddy's lap playing pee-a-boo. I guess I was a normal child. She is quiet and she is alone...she is wolf

A medication

There was a way to channel how I felt, how it always rushed and pushed and clawed away at my psyche...that was how I felt. There was never one striving to be many; there were many striving to be one. As the blade met the flesh, I was one in that instance.

Nurturing the Other

"I shall never forget the way." She said. " I shall always remember the way to the other side, even though I have forsaken that part of me."

a gift

I always wanted to know if the sky was so vast that it forgot about the earth. The earth adores the sky and would lie in its presence forever, until the day that all things are destroyed and the hungry sun takes its leave.

The water may find itself a ghost and waft off to become one with the darkness. Pieces of the earth would wander aimlessly into the darkness as well. No connection, just a nothing waiting to become something again.

Is this what future there is...